Elephantitis

My elephant ride did not go as planned.

First of all, I didn’t get a “normal,” well-adjusted and well-behaved elephant. Oh no. While everyone else got the large adult elephants, with seats that hold three people across, I was gifted with the small single-seater, a stubborn and uncooperative beast at the height of his rebellious teenage years and afflicted with major elephant ADD.

We didn’t get off to a great start. I’d only just sat down and adjusted myself to a barely comfortable position when I saw my elephants trunk flip back over his head towards me. How cool, a trunk, I thought. Before I had time to form another thought, it brought its trunk right next to my foot and blasted a wad of hot, wet trunk air straight up the inside of my pant leg. Let me add having an elephant sneeze up my leg to the list of things I’m in no hurry to repeat.

Elephants have a slow, ponderous, and often jostling manner of walking. Maybe on a larger, more disciplined elephant this would develop into some kind of predictable rhythm. Mine, however, was constantly distracted. Two steps forward and then oh look, bushes! Turn sideways and off goes the trunk to uproot a bush and start stuffing into mouth. Another step and then hey, I think my head itches, let me scrape it against this tree. A few more steps and then wait a minute, is there something on my back? Send trunk to investigate.

Going downhill was the worst. Every jarring step pitched me forward precariously on my little seat, grasping mostly at air and praying that my distracted fellow wouldn’t trip on an exposed root and send me flying off, slimed leg and all.

The downhill jarring was so bad that by the time we reached the river, my seat was perched precariously sideways on the elephant, starting to fall off. The saddle was slipping on the small elephant’s narrower back. I started flailing and yelling at the elephant guides for help and one rushed over to right me up. None too soon, in my opinion. I spent the remainder of the elephant trek making various contingency plans should I need to hastily evacuate my perch.

Dumbo takes aim